I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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