I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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