remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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