when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
