Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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