i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
