Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
