I'm gonna have a badass scar
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
