She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
