I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
