I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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