I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
