In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
