living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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