i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
