I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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