I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
