I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
