You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
