Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
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you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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