dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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