i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does