He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect