im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
