just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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