I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
