My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
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You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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