And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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