I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You pole danced in your parka.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
