dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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