I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
