Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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