I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
