im having a threesome with these popsicles
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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