My room smells like vodka and shame
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
