my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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