I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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