youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Congratulations! We have a period
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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