i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
