I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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