hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
