WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
