The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
