Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I currently don't understand fingers.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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