I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
