I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
