If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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