This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
