i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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