Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
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Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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