i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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