The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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