i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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