I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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