Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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