you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
