come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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