The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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