and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
