Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So many bounce houses so little time
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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