Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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