So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
