Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
